Are we really ready for extraterrestrials?

"Keep a-knockin', but you can't come in." – Little Richard Seemingly timed to coincide with the release of Steven Spielberg's movie "Disclosure Day," the International Academy of Astronautics (IAA) has ratified updated protocols governing how scientists evaluate, verify and announce evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence. (Such evidence could include unmistakable electromagnetic messages, physical artifacts, actual face-to-whatever encounters with aliens … or a horoscope that is eerily spot-on.) Revised protocols were deemed necessary because old standards of verification ("Well, where's the last place you REMEMBER spotting a suspicious signal?") and dissemination ("Just as soon as somebody returns the DVD to Blockbuster Video, you'll see the big announcement") were found wanting. Rigorous independent verification is mandated so no eager beaver jumps the gun and so those scamps at the United Nations don't get stuck with a bunch of unusable banners. ("From the river to Alpha Centauri…") 2026 is also plagued by nonstop internet rumors, AI-generated misinformation and deepfake photography. People are jaded and resistant to things that should jar them out of their comfort zone. ("Dang ol' CGI sonogram. I ain't payin' child support for no dadgum baby bumps in the 15 women I was seeing nearly nine months ago.") The updated protocols also reflect the reality that we don't live in the kinder, gentler world that Pres. George H.W. Bush envisioned. Doxxing and political violence are rampant. If a group of scientists put their names and faces out there declaring the existence of aliens, the crazies will have a field day. ("We're burning your house down because you're in cahoots with the Russians." "We're burning your house down because this is blasphemy." "We're burning your house down because, well, it's Taco Tuesday.") IAA feels that any authentication of alien life would be a "transformative event" for humanity, thus requiring a rigorous framework for verification, transparency and global risk communication. But would mankind really freak out, or would it be a case of "the more things change, the more they stay the same"? I mean, gamblers still gonna gamble. ("Twenty bucks says the little green men stop at the Crab Nebula Buc-ee's on their way here.") And conspiracy theorists gonna conspiracy theorize. ("I don't care if you have 18 eyes and wings. I think you've also got a Kenyan birth certificate.") And certain motorists will still drive at half the posted speed limit in the passing lane as they flee the city. Church ladies won't miss a beat, either. ("I don't know what silicon-based lifeforms eat, but my grandmother's deviled eggs and pecan pie should be good enough for any newcomers.") The revised protocols reaffirm that no response should be sent to an extraterrestrial intelligence without broad international consultation. This is ostensibly to prevent targeting ourselves for invasion, but my sources assure me that it's really because the IAA members are at loggerheads over which of three responses to give: "Is your refrigerator running?," "Wassuuuuppp?" or the OnlyFans-inspired "We've been so lonely here in the universe; how much would you charge to wave your tentacles in a seductive fashion?" Maybe we're all alone. Or maybe we'll someday have First Contact. If the latter, it's reassuring to know we have the IAA to translate the pivotal question we must pose. "Is that a death-ray on your flying saucer, or are you just happy to see us?" Yikes…a mob of angry readers. "Take us to your editor!" – Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page "Tyree's Tyrades."