'Legacy of love': Grieving on Mother's Day

Mother's Day is seen as a celebration of the people who bring life. But for those who have lost a mother or motherly figure, the day can feel wrapped in grief. "Folks that lose their moms, they've lost that primary source of comfort and strength," said Anthony Harris, location manager at Oak Hill Funeral and Cremation Services in Kingsport. When navigating grief, holidays — especially ones meant to celebrate a lost loved one — can prompt intense sorrow, anger or even relief. Bereavement experts recommend mourners take care of themselves, lean on their support systems and find ways to celebrate those that have passed on. "We always just tell folks, allow yourself to feel and try not to be strong or rush that process," Harris said. "It's okay not to be okay." Self-care in grief Mary Kathryn Smith, a social worker in Johnson City who works with the Morris-Baker Funeral Home and Cremation Services grief support group, said while many expect grief to look a certain way, people should remember the journey isn't linear and comes with conflicting emotions. "I think sometimes we as a culture come up with lots of rules about how you should be," she said. "So the worst thing is to feel like, 'well not only am I grieving, but I'm grieving wrong?'" Grief is not something to heal from, Smith added. It's not something to move on from but to move with, she said, referencing hospital chaplain and author J.S. Park. "It's a way through, instead of a destination," Smith said. She recommends grievers find one small act to honor what they need and take care of themselves, whether it's a bubble bath or a horror movie. Harris added people can continue "the traditions of mom," like baking a favorite recipe, lighting a candle or visiting her resting place. And remember that a mother's love is always with her children, he added. "Losing a mother is one of the deepest sorrows a heart can know," Harris said. "But her goodness, her caring and her wisdom live on like a legacy of love that will always be with you, and may that love surround you now and bring you peace." Supporting others through grief If you haven't experienced grief, it can be hard to see others suffering. But people looking to support a mourning loved one shouldn't try to fix or rush grief, Smith said. They also shouldn't ignore it. "Offer presence," she said. "If grief is a story, bearing witness to those stories is really powerful. So just the simple offering of presence can be really powerful for someone who's grieving." Harris added that being a support system for others extends beyond the funeral. It means providing support for days, weeks and even years after. "We all need to be an ear," he said. "We need to be a shoulder to cry on." Other outlets for grief Amid hills dotted with gravestones stands a lone red phone booth. Inside, a rotary phone and post-it notes are available to call and leave messages to those no longer on Earth. The "wind phone" of Monte Vista Funeral Home and Memorial Park — the only one within a 50-mile radius — is a way for people to channel grief, said Funeral Director and Embalmer Mary Lietzke. The home put the booth up a year ago as an outlet for anyone who needs it. "I'm a big believer that everybody deserves to be memorialized," Lietzke said. "Everybody deserves a sacred place." Lietzke said the community has received the phone well. Many have left notes to loved ones to tell them they graduated high school, that they're sober or that they still don't understand. Those notes have been memorialized in volumes of "yellow pages" that protect the writers' thoughts. "It's the whole gamut of emotions out there," Lietzke said. "We all collectively came together and said 'We can't throw these away, they have to be protected.'" The booth is prepped for Mother's Day with a second volume of the yellow pages and a clear board for notes. Visitors can also leave painted rocks, added Maintenance Supervisor Thomas Clark. "(The rock) gives a second outlet, aside from just having somewhere private to talk to somebody," Clark said. "That gives you a physical something, which for some people means more." Both Clark and Lietzke have used the booth for personal losses — and added that helping other people has added another layer of healing. "People look at us in this industry that we are hardened, and in a way we are," Clark said. "So seeing people with that extra outlet, it just brings joy." For those interested, Morris-Baker Funeral Home and Cremation Services hosts an in-person grief support group at 5 p.m. on the first and third Tuesdays of every month in Johnson City. Oak Hill Funeral and Cremation Services will host a grief support group in Kingsport at 2 p.m. on the third Wednesday of every month starting May 20. The Monte Vista wind phone is located at Monte Vista Memorial Park in Johnson City.