Reflections on Christmas — giving and receiving

In 1976, I was on the staff at First Baptist Church in my hometown of Athens, Tennessee. Our family took in a teenager who had lost her parents and grandparents and was in the foster care system. We will call her Mary, and Mary was a handful. She had been in and out of several foster homes, and we asked the agency working to place her to let her stay with us until they could find the right family for Mary, which they did a few months later. While she was with us, things were going very well. Our two small children loved her, and she loved them. One day, I was mowing our yard when Mary tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could finish mowing. I said no, I've got it, to which she responded, "You don't play fair." Well, I thought I was a very fair person, so I asked Mary what she meant. She asked me if I enjoyed helping her, and I said, "Of course." She responded, "Well, why won't you let me have some joy by helping you?" I paused, looked her in the eyes, and handed her the lawn mower. I believe life works best when people have opportunities for a healthy balance of giving and receiving. My childhood memories of Christmas are primarily about receiving. My focus was on whether I might get that train set, bicycle or basketball goal. As we move into adulthood, the focus shifts to making our Christmas lists and ensuring we give the important people in our lives the right gifts. In effectively balancing giving and receiving, it is helpful to distinguish between selfishness and selflessness. Selfishness is prioritizing one's own needs, wants and comfort above those of others, while selflessness is putting the needs and well-being of others before one's own. Selfish people demean others and put them down. Selfless people consider and lift others up. Selfish people believe they are always right and do not respect others' viewpoints. Selfless people admit when they are wrong and seek others' views. Selfish people believe they deserve preferential treatment, while selfless people want fair treatment for all. The actions of selfish people are transactional with expectations of something in return. Selfless people give unconditionally. Selfish people tout their accomplishments and take all the credit, while selfless people share the credit with others. Selfishness often yields power, gain and conditional approval from others, but selflessness produces a happier, more meaningful life. Surround yourself with selfless friends and leaders because they are givers, not takers. While serving in a church in Knoxville, the pastor asked me to help him with a funeral service. He told me a little about the man whose funeral we would be officiating, but it did not prepare me for what I would see. When we went to the front of the church, there was no one in the sanctuary. The family then came in, and there was no apparent grief. The man's selfishness had left him friendless and ostracized by his family. They were present out of obligation, not love. In Sunday school growing up, we were taught that the greatest joy in life comes from living by the acronym JOY (Jesus, others, you). From 70 years of observing happy and unhappy people, I believe this formula for joy works. In fact, research indicates that self-centered selfishness is associated with unhappiness and potential mental health issues, while selflessness is associated with happiness, good health and well-being. My son, Chris, was one of the happiest people I have known, and a guiding principle for his teaching, coaching, ministering and friendships was "I'm third." We are writing a book about Chris' friendships, a collaboration of our family and 19 of his friends. The contributors share story after story about Chris putting their needs before his own. Chris' joy came from the relationships he built by seeking to be third. His life bore testimony to Jesus' words that Paul shared in Acts 20:35: "It is more blessed to give than to receive." Selflessness does not mean you are a people-pleaser or that you do not care for yourself. It simply means that if you strive to meet the needs of those you are close to and find ways to help the least of these, you will find true happiness. I tell people that my wife, Marcie, is the kindest human being I have ever known. Going with her to Walmart is a study in giving. It may be helping a young mother with a small child, assisting a shorter person reach something on a high shelf, or letting an older person go in front of her in the checkout line. She looks for opportunities to give. As we leave, Marcie is smiling and happy, while most everyone else seems as if they just completed an unpleasant chore. During this special season of the year, when many of us celebrate God's greatest gift to us, I pray you are blessed with extraordinary gifts, whether material items or precious time with loved ones. I also pray that you take advantage of opportunities to give to others, because it truly is more blessed to give than to receive. This anonymous quote says it well: "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." Rick Toomey, Ed.D., is a former minister, counselor, organizational development consultant, assistant professor, and university department chair for Organizational Development and Training. Email ortoomey@gmail.com.