Arthur Garrett: Memories of my 'alien abuction'

I'm lying quietly in bed. Thinking about maybe going back to sleep. Yep ... I think ...Suddenly, silently, two creatures are in the room. The eyes are distinctly humanoid. So are the voices, although unintelligible. No wonder unintelligible, no mouths. Aside from eyes, they have no features at all. No mouth, no nose, no ears, no hair.They do walk just like humans and quickly mobilize my bed, swiftly leaving the room and racing through corridors of flashing lights. We speed through passages deadly silent and eerily devoid of life but for the three of us.Initially, I thought the flashing lights must be to confuse and make the victim (me) more easily handled. It soon became evident the ceiling had alternating lit and not-lit panels, but the effect was the same.We turned right and left and even went vertically. I was in no shape to escape anyhow, but I lost any sense of which way to run almost immediately. The creatures were making their strange, muffled speech-like sounds continually. They seemed friendly, but there was no way of knowing what way they might respond to any resistance on my part. We never saw another soul, human nor creature, during the whole trip.Soon enough, we arrived at a door. Inside were more creatures, much the same, with their human eyes, indecipherable speech-like mutterings and featureless faces. They understood each other well enough; several cooperated to move me from my bed — my last place of security — to a hard, narrow rack. An army of large, gleaming machines was arrayed around it. Most could be seen to have a business end, each pointed at me.One creature, larger than the others, loomed over my head. It told me it was going to make me comfortable, which I knew was certainly what they said when initiating euthanasia. It attempted to gain my confidence further by giving the name of one of my former pediatric patients and claiming to be him.I was not deceived because the patient he named was a little kid, and this creature had mistakenly assumed the form of a full-grown man. At this point, I knew what was coming. I even distinctly heard the word "probe" mentioned openly.At this point, other beings entered the chamber. These were obviously officers or at least some form of upper caste, for the creatures already present immediately deferred to them. They began doing something down there in my private regions. The word "probe" still hung in the air.I have a vague memory of both officers doing something at my groin. As evidence for this foggy impression, later — back in my room — I did find bandages ... down there. But for now, everybody seemed cheerful and relieved.One of the creatures even tried to enhance the humanoid appearance of their interactions by saying this was the most they had heard the being at my head say ever. The banter was obviously designed to further the impression of human-like behavior. I was again not deceived.As the cleanup activity progressed, I was soon in my bed again. Farewells were made as if I had been a guest instead of the entrée, and we swung out the same huge door by which we had entered.Another confusing swirl through corridors devoid of life. I was deposited in a room appearing to be the same from whence I came. Creatures appearing to be identical to my family and friends were there. The eyed but otherwise featureless creatures made more friendly sounds and disappeared.It is obvious to me. At least some of the people who think they have been abducted by aliens have had a TAVR (transcatheter aortic valve replacement) instead. I just hope it made them feel as much better as mine did.